Dance of the Souls . . .
This morning I went for my bi-monthly massage and energy work. After Brian died, my Pastoral Counselor suggested I consider massage therapy to help my body heal. A lot of people don't understand that grief affects us physically as well as mentally, spiritually, and psychologically. I was hestiant. I had never had a massage and I was scared to have someone touch me. I thought that it would feel to intimate, especially since I just lost the man who was the other part of my soul. I was afraid that I would breakdown and have to leave. I was, however, interested in energy work because I had no energy left. It was hard to get out of bed in the morning. Tasks which used to be easy had become extremely difficult. So, I gave in and called the massage therapist my counselor recommended.
My first massage / energy work was in February and I was amazed how light my body felt when it was done. I had opted for the 1 1/2 hour massage because it included more energy work. When I was leaving, Amanda told me if I purchased four massages in advance there was a discount. Finally understanding that I needed to take care of my body along with my mind and my soul, I paid for four massages.
Today I went for my third massage / energy work. Last night I had a panic attack which came out of nowhere and really took a toll on my body and my mind. I spoke with Amanda about this before the massage. She spoke about identifying the emotions I was feeling and I remembered feeling deep sadness followed by joy and then guilt. She told me that it helps to identify the feelings/emotions which bring on the panic attacks. And, she told me that it takes a lot of courage to face this grief journey head on and seek healing in a variety of places. I appreciate her openness and willingness to listen to what I am feeling. Healing comes from many people on this grief journey.
What I really want to speak of is the amazing experience I had during today's massage. As I allowed myself to go deeper and deeper into this time of relaxation, listening to the Native American flute music, I felt my soul leave my body. I knew that my body was there, but I was no longer in it. I know this might sound odd but it was real. My soul floated above my body as an energy force. And, this is the best part, I connected with Brian's soul. It was beautiful. It was peaceful. I understood that he is okay. I felt his love pour over me. And, our souls danced together. We have a bond which cannot be broken--even by death. He loves me and he knows that I love him. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to continue our dance. But, it's not my time yet. For now, it has to be good enough to know that he is with me always. That our love surpasses our humanity. That it is divne.
For the past eight months I have been saying that when Brian died he took the other half of my soul with him. That I live with those jagged little edges. Recently I read that if two souls were indeed connected and if our partner took half of our soul with them, could they have left half of their soul with us? As I pondered this statement, I understand that I am not half of a person. I am half of me and half of Brian. I won't be the same person I was before. But, I will learn, slowly, to become someone new. I will live for both of us. I will chase the dreams we had -- although they may have to be altered slightly. And, I will go on. It won't be easy. In fact, it is extremely hard. Some days will bring peace. Other days will bring anguish and sadness. But, I know that I will keep trying. I will look for the many ways that healing comes to me. And, I will always remember the dance of our souls.
Peace, love, and blessings,